All the really good ideas die in the e-mail ‘Trash’ bucket

(Editor’s note: Despite the proliferation of social media, e-mail is still the killer app. It fosters business, and healthy, creative personal interaction. This is a transcript of an actual exchange, conducted between the very talented David Hanson and yours truly. I’ve changed the e-mail addresses to prevent invasion of our privacy by Da Bots. Context: David and his wife invited me and my wife for dinner. He made a lot of pulled pork. Way more than four people could eat. He offered some to us before we left, but we had to decline, albeit reluctantly. We already had a pile of leftover pork of our own at home. That said, is there ever such a thing as too much pork? ‘Dinerguy’ is me. ‘Messopork’ is him.)

On Fri, Apr 29, 2016 at 10:09 AM, <dinerguy@gmail.com> wrote:

Wanted to thank you both again for a lovely evening — good smarts, good talk, good laughs.
Have fun with the ‘yardening.’

On Fri, Apr 29, 2016 at 10:33 AM, <messopork@gmail.com> wrote:

Yessir. Great to have y’all over. I might install a small pork reflecting pond in the backyard. We have enough leftovers.

See y’all around!

On Fri, Apr 29, 2016 at 10:36 AM, <dinerguy@gmail.com> wrote:

I like that. It would be a one-of-a-kind oddity features. People would come from all over the country — even Pendleton — to see it. Maybe they’d toss stuff in, for good luck. Coins. Pigs. Garbage. You would eventually have to expand it. And move your house, because the pond would grow a bit, to take over the Heights. It would become a superfund site, and get a slot on “Real Wasteponds of the West” (Travel Channel).

Out of small ideas, big things come. I see possibilities.

On Fri, Apr 29, 2016 at 10:42 AM, <messopork@gmail.com> wrote:

You’re a true Idea Man, and I can appreciate that. I see you going places, big places, in the #PorkPoolScapes empire. Let’s get your people with my people soon and get you on board.

First order of business: rigging a face of the Virgin Mary to **very occasionally** appear in the pool…

On Fri, Apr 29, 2016 at 10:52 AM, <dinerguy@gmail.com> wrote:

I’ve still got a photo sent out by the AP years ago of a Hispanic woman down in N.M., standing next to a framed tortilla chip. On the chip is a burnt image that someone decided looked like the Virgin Mary. People DID come to her house, to the Shrine of the Holy Tortilla (I am NOT making this up, although I wish I had), to visit it and pray. I’m not sure where I’ve got the thing stashed, but it’s priceless.

BTW, I also have file folders of photos showing dignitaries reviewing the troops. And newspaper stories all talking about various earthquakes in the U.S., but noting that they’re still not “The Big One.” Ahhh, the Big One. That will be an American earthquake, truly epic, unlike any of those measly earthquakes that his Tajikistan or China or Indonesia, where only thousands die, routinely. When American ingenuity gets around to it, we’re gonna rock the world of earthquakes. You will never have seen such destruction, even in movies. It will be awesome. And we’ll all be walking around with our smart phones out, taking selfies and texting them to Boston.

BTW_2.0, I also wish I could say Shrine of the Holy Tortilla spawned a whole economic development boom in that small town, with attractions and amusements like the Guacamole Coaster and the Refritos Banditos and the Queso Cathedral, and musical acts playing Tejano tunes and such, and busloads of blue-haired Mexicans coming in to stay several nights and bask in the whole sordid shit.

But I can’t (say all that, that is).

I wonder if all this would go away if I started smoking weed? Hmm.

On Fri, Apr 29, 2016 at 11:07 AM, <messopork@gmail.com> wrote:

If God truly was Good, Jesus would come in the form of a lard-laden tortilla cooked by a nice hispanic woman in NM rather than a dry, tasteless wafer shipped in vacuum-sealed packages, and our boom towns would be hawking holy edibles instead of fracking gas and water out of the earth. But, you’re right, it’s about time we brought The Big One to America, even if it means drilling til we make one of our own ingenuity. Soon enough India and China’ll beimporting their goddamn earthquakes from US!

On Fri, Apr 29, 2016 at 11:25 AM, <dinerguy@gmail.com> wrote:

YES! Earthquakes as the new, hot thing — an export product to beat all. As good as military invasion, maybe even better. Lower cost — packaging is the problem — but not as much need for military personnel or mechanical things, except one really big low-boy to haul the sucker into place (“REALLY REALLY OVERSIZE LOAD” sign on the back).

But Bechtel and such would still get all the rebuilding contracts.

I like it. You’re a thinker after my own heart. Good to keep an eye on Oklahoma as they refine the technology.